Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
