i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
