I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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