My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
