I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
