I'm so fucking centered right now
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
