im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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