If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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