Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
