He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize