I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
