What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
