Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
