Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
