I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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