My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
