i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize