I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
