If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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