I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
