Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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