I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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