You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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