omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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