i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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