fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
