I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
