i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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