honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
