If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
