New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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