just survived the first fart of the relationship.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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