Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
