Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
