i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
