You can't special order awesome
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
foreskin is a definite game changer
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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