I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
