Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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