1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The uberlube is also flammable
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
