Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Holy sore nipples Batman
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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