I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
