I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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