i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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