The maid of honor just puked.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
