I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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