Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
