you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
