apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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