When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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