he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I touched a dick in church today
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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