I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
So many bounce houses so little time
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
