my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
