Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
