just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
