im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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