Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
