remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize